Amber Necklaces have been successfully yet inconsistently endangering the lives of small children who are teething since first popularised after the movie Jurassic Park was released in 1993. Thankfully the Australian Safety Society for Healthy Amber Technology (ASSHAT) has addressed this issue and released new standards for Amber necklaces. Previously any whackjob could just drill holes in some orange coloured rocks and attach it to some dental floss and call it homeopathic. Now they have optimised thread strength and amber density to maximise casualties.
ASSHAT has found the balance between strength and breakability. Their new recommended dual acting choke technology standards allow potential infanticide by two mechanisms simultaneously:
- The amber necklace maintaining its integrity and getting wrapped around a hand or finger as well as the neck and removing either the appendage or the oxygen surplus from the child. For example this article in the Daily Telegraph.
- The amber necklace breaking into multiple pieces and being aspirated into the lungs. Check out this XRAY example of what happens when ingested items go into the lungs of children.
The alleged mechanism of action of wearing Baltic amber against your skin varies considerably based on whom you speak to, and which snake oil salesman you are buying from. They range from the hilarious to the just barely plausible. On the absurd end of the spectrum we have:
- Activates the solar plexus and root chakra
- Bactericidal and electrostatic properties
- A powerful antioxidant that helps fight toxic free radicals
- Slight sedative effect
- Amber is electromagnetic and produces large amounts of organic, natural energy
- Ionization helps protect the human body from various magnetic fields (amber absorbs some waves, including radioactive ones)”
Of course they failed to mentioned Amber Necklaces two most effective mechanisms of action
- Deoxygenation by Aspiration
- Pro-amputation and Dismembering Magic
ASSHAT representatives responded by stating they didn’t care “which bacteriocidal electromagnet chakra was activated and how much delicious Dinosaur urine soaked rock juice seeped into the children, as long as the choking statistics had improved up to industry standards“.
ASSHAT went on to state they could not be happier with rave reviews of its new technology as promoted in The New York times. The article goes on the state: “The risk is two-fold — strangulation and choking,”. As well as this Product Safety of Australia Warning, and this Australian Doctor article endorsing the new and improved choking and strangulation risks.
Finally if you’re still reading this and you have amber-wearing toddlers running around the room, consider googling “degloving injuries” (WARNING: Graphic Images Follow), I’ve seen a few from motorcycle accidents but also a few from rings on fingers. Granted this is highly unlikely but anything that exists around the neck and hands of a child running around falling off things scares me greatly.